by Delos

Breaking Radio Silence

Hey everyone. So it’s been about 4 months since I last posted then disappeared. Normally I keep this blog about just gaming, but I’m hoping by explaining what’s been going on I might be able to help someone else who is going through what I am.

I’ve been fighting depression for a while now and last year I wanted to kill myself.

It’s weird to openly admit that on the internet. My family knows now, as do my friends, but just putting it out there is scary as hell. As of now I’m going through therapy and I’m on meds. I’ve beaten back my depression through the help of God, my therapist, and a few close friends. It still lurks. I can feel it. I don’t know if it ever goes away, but I’m doing better every day.

So what happened? Well some of the stuff that lead up is very personal so I’m not going to share what exactly lead up to causing my downward spiral into depression and want of suicide. Keep in mind I never made an attempt, which made me think that since I never tried I can’t be suicidal, but I learned that the amount of time I was thinking about it was not normal. If you have to ask that question, “Do I think of suicide too much?”, then you very well could be suicidal. Point is, I was in denial about my life and it was killing me.

So what changed? Well I flipped out. I hurt someone I love very much. Then I spent a good chunk of time finally saying out loud that I wish I was dead. I hit a rock bottom. Thankfully the person I hurt kept me from hurting myself, and while he was scared, he stayed with me till someone else came to the rescue. I ended up going for a walk and talked to the Suicide Hotline (1 (800) 273-8255) for a long while. Most of that day was a blur. Soon I was going to see a therapist, my pastor, a friend who is wicked smart about people in general, and I started to heal.

My breaking point happened some time in August or September. I’m not sure when. It was hard to focus on anything I liked to do anymore. I wasn’t gaming anymore, so I had nothing to write about. Finally in November I just stopped. I had to focus on me.

Turns out a lot of what was depressing me was I made other people my happiness. I was completely dependent on others to be happy. Now I’m not saying others can’t make you happy, but when someone is your primary source of strength and happiness, and that someone isn’t yourself, that’s a dangerous way to live. Think of it like a well of water. If the well is working correctly and isn’t dry, then you won’t think anything is wrong, but in truth my well was broken, toxic, and drying up. So when the source of water you’ve been going to changes, then suddenly you don’t have anything to fall back on. You go thirsty. So I stopped going to that other well for all my happiness. I cleaned out my well. Started taking care of it. Now I’m, generally, happy, because I can choose to be.

I think that’s the definition of being an emotionally healthy person. You can choose to be happy. You can choose to say, “I’ll be ok. I’m a good person. I’m a whole person.” and believe it. If you feel like you can’t be happy unless someone is in your life, then you might be dealing with a lot of the false premises that I’ve dealt with.

So, if you are feeling suicidal, please, please, please, call the Suicide Hotline (1 (800) 273-8255). They can help. If you don’t want to talk to a stranger, talk to anyone. One of the first things my therapist made me realize that killing myself wouldn’t have fixed anything. I would have made a mess into an unfixable disaster. You are worth the time and effort.

I think you are worth it. Please ask for help. It’s ok and it can get better.

If you are unsure if you are depressed or don’t know how to deal with your depression, once again seek out help. Go see a licensed therapist. Your friends might be able to help, but you most likely need to see a professional. Your friends can bandage a cut, but when your leg is half falling off, you need someone who knows what they are doing. It’s ok also to try a few therapists. Sometimes you just don’t click with people, and that’s ok. Find someone who you click with. You’ll know it when you see it.

I’m a Christian, so I found a lot of comfort in God. I encourage folks to do the same. Talk to a pastor, but realized they are usually trained in first aid, not surgery, but they may be able to at least point you to a therapist or counselor who can help you. A book that really helped me deal with some of the bad things that happened is “You’ll Get Through This”. This was a big one for me.

When it comes to depression, there isn’t a one size fits all fix. Everyone gets depressed for different reasons, but one thing that every solution has in common is “Reach out and ask for help.” I just want to put what worked for me up here so someone else might consider trying something they hadn’t before.

You’re not weak for asking for help. Hell, if you are suffering from depression and you are reading this, you’re probably stronger than most. You’re fighting yourself every single day. Now, please, make a call and kick that demon’s ass. You are worth the fight.

Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer them, but I won’t discuss what exactly caused my depression. That’s not the point. If you focus on nothing but the problem, you’ll never see the solution hiding behind it.


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